Fun on Friday: Kid Scams Scammer

Not too long ago, I got a call from some guy that claimed he was from the IRS. You’ve probably gotten one of these calls yourself. You pick up the phone and a guy with a thick Indian accent tells you that you are being investigated for tax fraud. Sometimes they try to scare you by telling you that they’re going to put tax liens on your house and they’re going to seize your bank accounts. The guy may even claim the sheriff is going to show up on your doorstep and throw you in the pokey.

It’s obviously BS. I mean, I know the government is broke, but I don’t think it’s quite reached the point of turning over IRS enforcement to an Indian call center. But I guess people must fall for this because I get these calls pretty frequently.  I just hang up on these clowns, but sometimes people mess with them – like this kid who totally scammed the scammer by barely uttering a word. 

The guy starts out by telling the kid there are “four allegations pressed under your name,” and rattles off a bunch vague statutes. Now, this is funny from the get-go, because the kid looks to be about 11-years-old. It’s funnier when the “IRS agent” starts threatening to take the kids assets. The guy also threatened to “blacklist” the kid’s social security number and seize his passport.

The kid’s response was to hold up a sign that read, “idiot.”

Yup. Accurate.

As it turns out, the kid owed the IRS, $6,149. But if he were to go to the courthouse, it would be “like $30,000.”

Now, having dealt with the IRS myself, I can attest to the fact that amounts seem to climb indiscriminately, but from $6K to $30K seems a little steep. Oh, by the way, the IRS is now adding “state charges” to your tax bills. And the money isn’t the worst of it. “You will be arrested for the coming five years.”

At this point, our intrepid IRS agent asks the penetrating question: “Why have you done such a thing?”

Again, I have to note from personal experience that scolding is not a foreign concept to real IRS agents. If this guy doesn’t make it as a scammer, he could have a nice future as a real IRS agent. But I  repeat myself.

Anyway, the kid said it was an honest mistake. Which, to be fair is probably true of 99% of the people in tax trouble. The entire IRS code is incomprehensible. Trust me, if you filed taxes, you probably made a mistake.

Now at this point, it should be pretty clear to the scammer that the “victim” has bought the charade hook line and sinker. The kid has agreed to absolutely everything the guy has said. But apparently, the script doesn’t say to go in for the kill yet. I think it was written expecting a little more resistance and skepticism from the victim. So, the scammer awkwardly continues to try to convince the kid that he owes this money to the IRS. When the guy asks the kid if he has any doubt or questions about what he’s been told, the kid just says, “Nope, none.”

Now it’s time to start circling in for the kill. The scammer asks the kid for the name of his lawyer. He comes up with “Doug Judy.” This leads to a rather amusing moment as the scammer tries to spell the name. Spelling in English isn’t a strong suit for Indians.

Here’s where it gets kind of weird. The scammer circles back to threatening.

Within the next 15 to 20 minutes, all your bank accounts will be freezed, and within the next 30 to 45 minutes, the local cops with our investigation team will be reaching at your doorsteps to mark a lien on your assets and put you behind the bars for the next 90 days.”

I thought the kid was going to be “behind the bars” for five years. Apparently, there was some kind of reprieve. The kid’s response is classic.

“OK, got it.”

Now, that’s obviously not the anticipated response. By this point, the victim is supposed to be freaking out. You can actually hear the confusion in the scammer’s voice. So, he doubles down.

So, truly you just have like 30 to 45 minutes to get contact to your lawyer, who can represent it to the courthouse.”

Truly.

And again the response.

“OK, got it.”

“Is there anything, question you have, you want to ask?”

“Umm, no. No questions … everything’s good.”

Dead silence.

At this point, I think the scammer’s realized he’s being scammed. Nobody is this calm when faced with being put behind the bars. But, he can’t give up. He tells the kid to be ready with his attorney to fight the IRS.

“OK.”

And that’s it. It’s over. The guy hung up and told the kid to have a blessed day. It was kind of anticlimactic. But that’s what makes it so funny.

There’s also a life lesson here. Calm cool and collected goes a long way. Don’t panic. Don’t freak out. Listen instead of talk. I’m certain most people who fall victim to scams like this do so because they get caught up in the emotion. The entire thing is ridiculously implausible. The IRS isn’t going to call you out of the blue from India and put you behind the bars 45 minutes later. And yet people obviously fall for it. If they didn’t the scammers wouldn’t keep trying.

So, yeah. Be calm. And have a blessed day.

Fun on Friday is a weekly SchiffGold feature. We dig up some of the off-the-wall and off-beat stories relating to precious metals and share them with you – with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Click here to read other posts in this series.

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